When in Zambia: My How-to Book

How to get clean:
Put plug in bathtub
Turn on the hot water and then go do something else… use this time productively.
Run hot water for 15 minutes
Run cold water for 4 minutes (no you can’t run both at the same time! The taps don’t work that way. And make sure you don’t run the cold first, or the hot may never turn hot)
Mix water around with your hand BEFORE burning yourself by entering the tub.
Take bath
Place fingers under the water and notice how they disappear under the ridiculously dirty water.
Exit bath immediately.

How to ride the bus:
Find out how much the fare is before getting to the bus stop. (Don’t ask the bus man or you’ll get ripped off)
Tell the door man where you are going and hand him the exact change.
Find a spot to sit… half-sitting on a stranger’s lap is perfectly acceptable.
If sitting in an aisle seat, be aware that you may have to stand up and fold up your seat at every stop to let people off who are sitting behind you.
Close your eyes.
Pray until reaching your destination.

How to barter:
If possible, dye skin as dark as possible.
Wear clothing with many inconspicuous pockets. Organise money into these various pockets according to amount.
Practice math games on the way to the market: “If something is 50,000 kwatcha that is approximately how many dollars?”. Get good at doing the conversion quickly.
Go to the market.
Ignore the people calling you, or give them a quick hello. This may feel rude at first, but they want your money, not your friendship and will hassle you mercilessly. It’s interesting how many of them say they will give you the best deal, that it’s half-price day, that they haven’t sold anything today and are hungry, or that you are their friend so they’ll give you a deal (who says you can’t buy friends!?). Don’t look too interested in anything- refrain from jumping, clapping or singing upon finding the perfect item.
Figure out what you think that thing is worth in dollars and convert it into kwatcha in your head. (Refrain from murmuring the numbers aloud).
Ask how much it is.
Laugh at the ridiculous price they will tell you.
Tell them you don’t want the masungu price (and use as many random nianja words as possible). Remind them that it’s half-price day, that they said they had the best deal and that that is not the price they would sell to a friend for).
They’ll give you a much more reasonable deal.
If it’s still not as low as you want, walk away. They’ll call you back and give you a better deal.
Then ask if they will give you an even better deal if you buy more than one. (They’ll say yes)
Pick out two of what you want and end up getting your things for half price (half price on “half price day” is good!)
Hand them the money quickly whipping the change from your various pockets without showing your other money. (Make sure you have exact change because they won’t have change for you and will then try and sell you something else that’s just a bit more expensive than the difference, so you’ll have to get out more money and this cycle will continue until you are broke, bewildered and have lots of things you didn’t intend to buy.)
Shake their hand as they thank you for your business, good-luck or friendship (or possible combinations of the above).
Walk away with your purchases happily.